"I still don't have her. She runs and hisses more than the other two combined. I am growing increasingly worried that I won't be able to catch her. I know everyone is going to tell me two of three is great and I can't help them all. That's not sitting well with me. I had her in my hands. I let her go. She should be with her siblings now. I know I should be happy and focusing on the two kittens and not the one but part of me (maybe I got this from you idk where else I would) feels like I should have been able to do more or hold on for two more seconds. Even if those two end up living 15 years with you and get fat because they have no worries I am worried I will always wonder what I more I could have done. What I could have done differently. In the past I could say there was something out of my control wither it be your house or the last say being someone else's call, but this time I don't get that safety net. I'm the one who started it. I'm the one who got the supplies. I'm the one who caught mama cat and most importantly I was the one who let tabby go. No one else has been involved in the decision making. This was my first attempt at something this big on my own with little to no support from the people around me. Or people who are literally telling me I can't do things that would make my life just a little easier. What happens if I can't even socialize the two I have? I feel so stupid I'm getting this upset over a kitten. There are thousands out there just like them. What if I had waited a little longer? Or done something sooner? "
This was a letter I sent my mom at 1:30 in the morning right before I went to bed. At 4:30 my roommate woke up and texted me (we both had only a few hours of sleep that night and went to bed early which is why things happen at 4:30) We went out to the garage and finally caught the Tabby girl without much damage (just a few new bite marks but nothing horrible). This by no mean negates the email, I realized that the email describes what the blog is about more than anything I have written so far, me figuring out what I'm doing now that I'm living out in the world without the safety net of my parents (or the program I was on in Israel for the year) I also learned a little about actual animal rescue but luckily I don't have to learn about "not saving them all" for a while longer.
Today I finally let Mama cat go today, she is happy to be out but still hangs around the kittens. I don't know how long it will take for her to lose some attachment for her kittens now that she is spayed but until then I will leave water and food out for her during the day. The kittens themselves are becoming more and more use to the crate they live in but I decided that it was a little small so I went out to buy a new one with multiple levels and more room for the kittens and the stuff they require (i.e. litter box, food and water) as well as giving them space to do kitten things.
So now part two of the plan starts. Two days where I sit in the garage and talk to the kittens, vocally not with petting and such. After those two days I hope to move them over to the other crate. This at least will give me something to do over the weekend and Carmageddon (for those of you who don't know the 405 is being shut down and we all know about LA drivers already)
A kid who lives next door came over to ask if we saw his kitten, I became extremely worried that he considered one of mine his kitten. which makes it much better that in a week or two my mother will come out and help me get the kittens back to NM where I can further socialize them. This couldn't work out better, I think support from people I'm in the same house as (though again I must thank my roommate for helping me catch two of them)
Tonight I'm going to ran out and grab some baby food for the kittens. I have never understood why kittens/cats are so obsessed with it but they can't get enough from my experience. I will probably get a picture of the kittens in their currently cage and what the new cage will look like.
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